On Compassion

I am wearing a rubber band around my left wrist at the moment. It is to remind me that my task now is to work to find compassionate ways of thinking about people that I feel very negatively about.

There are people in my life, even in my family of origin, that I feel are mean sprited, have negative agendas, who manipulate people and situations for their own gain, who do things to make vulnerable peolple look stupid so that they can appear superior, and who treat people with meanness and utter disrespect ~ especially people they profess to love.

So, I carry around very negative feelings about these people.

I am of the belief that you get what you give. I believe that the Universe, or God, or Spirit, or the Creator, or the Energy or the Source ~ whatever name is used ~ provides us with opportunities to learn. I beleive that one of the lessons we are all having to learn is compassion. I beleive that if you put out good stuff ~ you try to behave in ways that are not harmful to others, work to "be the change you want to see in the world," think thoughts that are postitive and healing, and work to see others through the lens of compassion and understanding rather than blame, that you 'attract' positive, beneficial, helpful, healing energy, people, opportunities, ideas, and health into your life.

Conversely, I beleive that if you obsess about illness and death, feel anger and frustration toward yourself and others, feel resentment about the things you dislike about your life, blame your circumstances on others, and wish hardship or worse on people you dislike, that you at the very least 'block' goodness from coming your way that was intended for you. Perhaps, you even invite negative things into your life.

Given that belief (the "Reader's Digest" version, anyway), it makes sense to me that as long as I harbor these negative feelings about people in my life, I am harming myself and perhaps reinforcing the things that I feel resentful about.

So, I decided that I need to figure out a way to 'feel' differently. The problem is that if I believe these people basically to be 'mean-spirited' and responsible for intentionally hurting others, I couldn't really figure out a way to feel positive, or at least not negative, about them without acting ~ pretending to feel something that I don't feel. And I think the Universe has very little tolerance for dishonesty!

As I was trying to figure out how to "feel differently" about those people in my life, I had a phone conversation with someone who expressed a very closed-minded perspective and essentially stated that he was dismissing another person, a relationship, a mother and her child, because he didn't like a parental decision the mother had made. I told him that was too bad, but I didn't bother debating the situation as it would be of little use.

As I hung up, my immediate response was "What an idiot!" It was a knee-jerk judgement about his character based on his behavior. I had decided, or had reaffirmed, that he was a closed-minded jerk who was so self-important that he could just dismiss people from his life who didn't meet his criteria.

As soon as I uttered "What an idiot," I thought, "I just did it AGAIN! How can I think about him and what he just said to me and all that I know to be true about him in some way that doesn't add more negativity and judgement to the world? How can I see this differently?"

It was like a spark, an instant switch in my mind. Suddenly, I thought, "It's too bad that he is stuck in this place where he is unable to deal with other people's differences without kicking them out of his life. It's unfortunate that he has had a life that limits his ability to be open to others. I hope that he has some experiences that allow him to examine this and gain some new skills in relationships so that he doesn't continue to have this response."

I didn't have to pretend that his dismissal of a mother and child was OK. I wasn't excusing his behavior. But I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't labeling him.

True, it is still a judgement. I determined that his perspective was wrong and mine is right. So, I have a ways to go. I clearly haven't arrived at enlightenment. But it was a step.

I can begin to say to myself, "It's too bad that my family members feel so insecure that they need to make others appear foolish so that they feel superior." To me this is at least better than carrying around anger for them. It is a bit of compassion and understanding. It is the beginning of forgiveness, perhaps.

Eventually I may get to a place where I can be truly non-judgmental, where I can see and hear the things that I struggle with now and have NO judgement. But at this time, that seems impossible and perhaps not even healthy. I don't think that everything is relative. I don't think that there is no good and no bad ~ only our perspective, which is neutral. I understand that "perspective is reality" and that what I think IS reality for me. What you think IS reality for you. Even if we believe different things, they are both real.

I expect to have a red mark on my wrist from snapping the rubberband with each knee-jerk judgment about the driver who cut me off, or the guy who threw the beer bottle out his window onto the sidewalk where it shattered, or a relative who says or does something mean and hurtful to another who is not able to defend themselves.

And this doesn't even begin to address the very real issues of what can be thought of as true evil: The genocide in Sudan, the torture and murdur of Iraqis, and the terrible suffering in the lives of all kinds beings everywhere we turn. I haven't figured out how to wrap my mind around that yet.

But I can feel a change already. And as my perspective changes, I will keep you posted.